Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still happy and well-balanced and non-confrontational and nice. But if I happened to revert into grumpy old lady mode, here are some of the topics I would be complaining about. Only hypothetically, of course.
Seriously, when did today's young skaters (I mean skateboarders, in case you're wondering) decide to start a fashion revolution? I sort of got used to the sight of baggy pants and the reason for their substitution through skinny jeans is one of the biggest mysteries I've been faced with this weekend. They're not sexy, at least not on men, and, just in case you're thinking I'm missing the whole point of skating, they're not cool either. In addition, it's one thing if you show half of your underpants to the world, and it's entirely another to actually show all of your undies AND also bits of your nether parts. And, seriously, tugging your sweater down is not the solution. It's just not.
If we're already talking about weird ideas, I probably should mention the Phoenix Concert Theatre's washrooms. They have urinals in the ladies', and not just that, but they have twice as many (eight!) as in the men's. How the hell did this happen? I could understand the same number, in the name of some weird interpretation of equity, or maybe because there used to be only one washroom, like in a gentlemen's club or on the set of Ally McBeal, but whoever cut the room in half should have thought of this, shouldn't he? (And please don't ask me why I'm so sure it was a man.)
Another case of serious gender-related injustice: why is all the spam I get male-oriented? It always says things like "hook up with hot college girls", or "you can have a big dick" or "make her scream with pleasure", but never "hook up with hot sweaty cowboys" or "you can have bigger boobs". And it's not that I don't care about penises and screaming with pleasure, but I'd like spammers to acknowledge that women have their own obsessions! Now that would be a real step towards equity!
And finally: at the main coach terminal in Toronto, there is a sign on the wall saying "Do not feed pigeons, or any other birds". Who the hell came up with something like that? It's like saying "Do not smoke cigarettes, or any other smokable stuff". (What is the collective term for "smokable stuff", by the way?) I can almost hear the guy's thoughts going "I can't write "Don't feed birds" because people may not realise that I mainly mean pigeons, but if I only write pigeons, maybe one day a stork will show up and some smart-ass will point out that nothing prevents him from giving it food, so just to be sure I'll write this". (Makes you kind of grateful that you're not on the job market with a degree in Philosophy in your pocket, doesn't it?) But seriously, what are the chances of a non-urban bird (i.e. non-pigeon) showing up in Downtown Toronto at the exact same time as a smart-ass with bread crumbs in his pocket? If you want to prevent all the events with similar or higher probability, you'll need an awful lot of signs, including "Don't use red felt-tip pens to write on the walls", "Don't eat curry if you're wearing an unbuttoned shirt and satin pants" and "Don't engage in sexual intercourse with someone wearing a wool hat, even if the seat you're sitting on has been recently cleaned". Why don't just give people some credit and assume they'll do their favourite stuff somewhere else?
So there. If I had been upset by all these things for real, I'd feel so much better now...
